When Hungarians Visit Each Other

One of the most interesting observations one can make of Hungarians is how they behave when they visit each other’s house. There are fantastically annoying mind-games played, but most Hungarians still feel like they are obligatory or seemly in these situations. Here are my observations.

Almost no Hungarian would argue with the fact that we don’t invite someone over without cleaning the place before their arrival. Of course, there can be short-notice or spontaneous visits when we don’t have time to vacuum or mop the floors, but even then we try to do our best at cleaning up in the short time we have. We quickly put away used dishes from the dinner table or our clothes that have been lying around on chairs. We straighten our shoes in the hall, so that it looks less messy. We might even sweep the floor a little or wipe off the table.

Knowing this, it is highly interesting that in most traditional households you can easily bump into the typical Hungarian host, who seems to be dedicated to convincing you that you should not take your shoes off upon entering their house. You know they have probably cleaned before your arrival, and they know you know they did, but they still downplay the significance of that fact, almost convincing you that they don’t even clean their house. Ever. In fact, even they themselves don’t take their own shoes off usually. Still, you don’t want to be rude, so you make the – this way significantly harder – decision to take your shoes off anyway, and luckily you win the battle because secretly the host was also hoping you would not be convinced even though they tried their hardest.

After this unnecessary round comes the part where the guest is told to take a seat and asked whether they would like something to drink or eat. Even when they just quickly dropped by for something. Most guests feel obligated to bring something for the host, and that is most of the time some kind of alcoholic beverage. However, they probably already possess all the alcohol they need, since they were expecting guests.

For me, the most annoying custom is when the guest is told to feel at home, but that is quite hard to do at someone else’s place, so they still ask whether they can use the bathroom or pour another drink or wash their hands or go out on the balcony or sit on the couch. The answer in always yes, but they still feel obligated to ask for permission to do almost anything. Yes, they were told to feel at home, but that has become a sentence that sounds very clichéd, so they think the hosts probably don’t even mean it. Even when they do.

Finally, there is the age-old Hungarian tradition of overstuffing the guests. Whenever you are invited over to a traditional Hungarian household for lunch or dinner, you should expect two things for sure. First, the host who prepared the food will exercise a large amount of modesty about their cooking, and secondly, they will not accept “no, thank you” as an answer when they ask you if you’d like a next serving. You can hear the likes of “I’ve made it too salty this time, haven’t I?” and “I’m sorry, the rice is usually not this dry” or “Oh, it’s no big deal. I just fixed this from whatever I found at home.” When you are told to help yourself to some more food and you decline because you are full, the reaction of the traditional Hungarian host is usually among the lines of “You can tell me if you don’t like it” or “Come on, you can’t leave all this food here! We are never going to get to the end of it!” So you either leave feeling guilty because you hurt their feelings by not eating more, or feeling overstuffed and guilty for eating too much. All the while, the host was only afraid that you are just being polite, not realizing that you really had enough to eat, and the size of your stomach is finite.

In my opinion, no matter how Hungarian or traditional they are, these games are unnecessary and dishonest, so in my own household I try to break these traditions and to be honest, and I urge my guests to do the same.